Latin Women Explained in 7 Novelas
Ah yes, the old "why are latin girls so dramatic?" remark.
I am actually pretty easy going, but my Latin flares up sometimes via strange outbursts about trivial things, such as me breaking out in prayer as a reaction to a near-death experience (thunder), or a heated phone conversation with my sister about... Publix cupcakes.
Why, oh why, are we Latin women like this?
After many minutes of soul searching I figured it out. We were brought up by latin TV programming.
I give to you, the Top Seven Telenovelas that Explain Why Latin Women Are So Dramatic - or the top 7 most ridiculous clips that are imprinted in my brain that I was able to pull up on YouTube.
1. Lazos de Amor. 1995. Features Lucero, Mexico's sweetheart in a star-studded production that defied science, physics, and everything in between due to its cutting edge special effects.
Ma. Guadalupe, Ma. Paula and Ma. Fernanda are identical triplets - ALL PLAYED BY LUCERO - but they were separated at birth in a tragic car accident only to be reunited in their early 20's.
But not all identical sisters' hearts are created equal...
2. Maria la del Barrio. 1995. I wanted to save the best for last but I got antsy.
There will be tears, scissors, a clumsy crew of bystanders and one or two casualties. Please watch the entire clip, you will thank me.
It still surprises me that there's people in the world who haven't seen the famous la lisiada.
Maria la del Barrio is a humble gal, and a wealthy guy falls for her.
BUT the best scene is one of a side-plot love triangle. Nandito, la lisiada (which translates into the handicapped girl), and Soraya find themselves at a crossroads in this particular moment.
3. Agujeras de Color de Rosa. 1994.
Wow, finally a kid-friendly novela! Or so we thought...
A wealthy Mexican family loses their fortune and finds themselves on the street after the father passes away. But don't let that get you down, for there is tons of fun to be had at the ice-rink! Bring your skates with the pink laces - swoosh!
What is life without tragedy anyway?
4. La Usurpadora. 1998.
Paola and Paulina are two strangers who meet by chance and are amazed how similar they are.
One is wealthy, evil and super slutty and the other is a humble maid.
The rich one convinces the poor one to replace her while she goes on a round-the-world shopping spree and a sexcapade.
Spoiler alert: turns out they were twins.
5. Maria Mercedes. 1992.
Maria Mercedes is a girl from humble beginnings who gets hitched with Santiago del Olmo, a sick dying millionaire who one day sees her selling lotto tickets on the street. Santiago decides to marry her to piss of his evil tia.
Maria Mercedes was the first of Thalia's "Marías" trilogy, being followed by María la del Barrio and Marimar, which all have the same story line but differ in names, theme songs and pets.
6. El Privilegio de Amar. 1998.
A fashion designer begins searching for the daughter she abandoned years earlier, unaware the girl is none other than Cristina, a model in her fashion house who has fallen in love with her stepson.
This one is a remake of the renowned Venezuelan novela, Crystal (moment of silence #zuelanpride), which is a legend #YOSOYTUMAMA.
7. Guadalupe. 1993.
Guadalupe, a humble servant's daughter, finds out after her mother's death that her illegitimate father is a millionaire living in Miami.
Guadalupe sets out to find her family and stumbles upon her true love in the form of a curly mullet on the way.
What Lazos de Amor had in special effects, Guadalupe had in religious Hocus Pocus - the Virgen de Guadalupe is present not just in the star's name, but also in all of the set decor and in every other sentence.
Long live the rebellious after-schools I spent watching the tube while I sipped coffee with my nana (both strictly forbidden activities).
Long live the reenactment of scenes by little latin girls across the world of the Esmeralda episode where her blindness was cured after praying to la Virgen de Guadalupe for 20 years - on the SAME day as her wedding.
Thank you, novelas, for teaching us to bring a little color to life.